My Dearest Christina...

This is not okay.

What in the world were you thinking? Was it something along the lines of:

"Oh, hey... I'm hosting a New Years Eve shindig in a trendy club in Las Vegas, let me whore it up so I can compete with all the other skanks trying to take my spotlight?"

Cause, uh, that's definitely what it looks like.

That Moschino slip dress is just... Well, it looks like a nightgown, okay? I'm pretty sure it's been more than a decade since this look was in. Get with it.

And the hair? WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR? It looks like you let your adorable son, Max, take a pair of scissors and go at it. It looks kinda fried, kinda greasy, kinda uneven, and just... UGH. And I know you've been bleached blond for, like, ever, but for the love of God, have you ever heard of low lights?

As for the makeup... I never know why on Earth you feel the need to pile on the clown makeup. You don't need it! You're a pretty girl! I know you are! I've been a fan since your Genie in a Bottle days and I remember you telling everyone on MTV how "you think you know, but you have no idea." And honey, let me tell you, I really don't have any idea who lets you out in public like this.

Hasn't anyone ever told you to emphasize eyes OR lips, not both? Because if you do both you tend to look like a streetwalker?

No? No one has mentioned this golden rule to you? Well, that's very unfortunate because now you're constantly out in public looking like, well...a freakin' streetwalker.

I know you tried to be all matchy-matchy thing with your lipstick-nail polish-shoes-red carpet but it's really unnecessary. Or if you insist on the matchy-matchy, a simple cat-eye look would have been great.

Oy. Vay.

On a side note, I do have to give you props for the Stephen Webster jewelry. I'm really loving this necklace & ring combo.

And those shoes are fierce.

You're rockin' these Louboutins like it's nobody's business. Which is fab, because you definitely needed a little somethin'-somethin' to redeem this outfit.

So now that we've had our little chat, I really want to see you fire your makeup artist, find a new stylist, and please-please-PLEASE get a new hairdresser.

Love always,

Leelee

P.S. Even if you continue to run with this whole streetwalker thing? You can pretty much sing the pants off just about anyone on the planet, so I'll forgive you. And I'll keep buying your records and going to your concerts. If you ever do another one. *Ahem. Cough cough.* GET ON IT. It's been too long since your last album.

Capiche??

[photo credits: dailymail.co.uk, justjared.buzznet.com]