Newsflash Rachel Zoe... I don't care what you have to say.

Early this morning I got a nice little surprise in my inbox. HauteLook sent me a lovely message detailing an exclusive look at the latest Fall Trends from Rachel Zoe.

Uhm... I am supposed to care because...?

I am not a fan of Rachel Zoe. I think the woman has a few good ideas that she has been milking for years and it's really grating on my nerves. The messy-hair-over-sized-sunglasses-boho-layers-too-much-jewelry-larger-than-life-size-bag look is all fine and dandy - if you want to spend your life looking like an Olsen Twin. And let's face it, they're billionaires. They can do whatever they want. Everyone else? Eh. It's not nearly as interesting when we do it (frankly, it's hardly all that interesting when they do it).

So when our dearest Ms. Zoe pimps this look out to each and every starlet she styles? All I can do is roll my eyes, groan, and wonder why the hell she gets paid as much as she does to do this for a living.

But maybe I'm being too harsh. After all, so many celebrities trust her with their supremely important images. Maybe she knows what she's talking about and I just don't get it?

Let's break down her fall trends, shall we?

First up we have Maxi Dresses.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but maxi dresses seem a little more like a summer thing, no? I guess I could see them for fall as well if you live in California or some place equally lovely all year round. Even in New England, if you like 'em, wear 'em. That's pretty much it. But what I don't like about her little excerpt here is that she states something that WE ALREADY KNOW. Why is this a new fall trend? Has she given us a new perspective? Nope. We all dream about tropical getaways, Rachel. The difference is that not all of us can hop on a private jet and head to St. Tropez whenever we want.

Next, we've got Dark Denim.

Uhm... Does dark denim EVER go out of style? I think it's a pretty well-known fact that you can dress denim up or down. Again, nothing new here, Rach. Though, I'm mildly impressed that you mention flare-leg jeans instead of skinny jeans. Way to think on your own - thumbs up!

Moving on to Statement Necklaces.

I'm a huge fan of statement necklaces and have been for years. Years being the key word here. YEARS, RACHEL! We've all known for years that you have a penchant for piling on the accessories like it's your job - oh wait, it IS your job...

Coco Chanel cleverly advised people to take one thing off before leaving the house, so as not to be over-accessorized... Might I suggest that you take off about five things every time you walk out the door? That might help just a little bit. Less is more, honey. Not the other way around.

What else? Sequins, of course! Oh, and don't forget the Jewel Tones.

Love sequins! I'm with you, Rachel. I love bedazzling of any kind (except the kind J.Crew does and tries to charge me like $500 bucks for!) and I think kiddies look especially adorable with a little sparkle... But what else is new? Seriously. This could be on any trend list for the last few decades! TRY SOMETHING NEW.

And jewel tones? Really? Plums and emeralds? When have you ever heard someone say to avoid jewel tones? We know they look good. We know they're fun. We know they pop. So tell me why I should care that you're talking about them!

By the way, they cannot "literally make an outfit." Trust me. The colors plum and emerald cannot, in fact, make you an outfit. They can't design it, they can't sew it, they can't even recommend the right kind of jeans for you body shape. You are supposed to be a professional. Try speaking like one.

Just so we're clear - I use the word "literally" incorrectly all the time, but in general conversation with friends, not in published work! UGH!

Alright, that's my Rachel Zoe rant.

Wait, I thought of one more thing...

EAT SOMETHING. PLEASE. For the love of everything holy, you look like a skeleton and have aged yourself about thirty years. This is not pretty. It's not sexy. It's SCARY.

There. Now I'm finished.

So, what do you guys think of her?

[photo credits: hautelook.com, themocialite.wordpress.com]