Evolution of a Fame Whore

Raise your hand if you have been watching The Hills since little miss Lauren Conrad, still LC in my book, hopped into her convertible and said goodbye to her family's mansion overlooking the beach and cruised into a ridiculously posh apartment in LA. *This is me raising my hand*

And how many of you remember cute and bubbly Heidi Montag before her union with uber-sleaze Spencer Pratt? You know, back when she still looked like this...

Now, okay, I know that everyone has insecurities. Everyone dislikes something about their body or their face or whatever the case may be. But I really don't think there was all that much wrong with Heidi. In fact, Stuff Magazine didn't either, which is why they chose to do a spread with her before she went all plastic-surgery-crazy.

Uhm... If I looked like that? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do a damn thing to my body, but that's just me. Maybe I'm weird.

Apparently, Heidi was pretty content with that body of hers... Until she met her future husband, and all around creepy, disgusting, cheating, sleaze of a man, Spencer. Would you trust this guy?

Cause, I wouldn't! *cough* DOUCHE *cough*

Alright, so, against all better judgement, Heidi gets into a super-dramatic relationship with Mr. Pratt and they spend every other episode of the Hills as butt buddies.

Doing stupid things that stupid, preppy, over-priveleged kids do.

And then The Hills went on summer break. By the time the next season premiered, Heidi was on my screen looking like this...

Hmm... Okay. The hair is a lot blonder. The nose is a lot smaller. Okay, I guess I can handle it. It's not that bad.

Only once I saw her in a low cut shirt, I realized the nose wasn't the only thing she had done. And how do I know this? Because she showed up somewhere looking like this...

Oh. Em. Gee. Those were not there before!

She also tried to become a pop star...

...and started her own clothing line - I believe it was called Trashy Plastic Whores?

She also frequently showed up places looking drunk off her ass, though I'm pretty sure it's just the bizarre dreamy look in her eyes and the collagen-induced pout.

Then, she did the unthinkable and married Satan...

In a dress that drowned her tiny frame and more bling than should ever be allowed on one human being at one time.

They went on to live in wedded bliss until Heidi decided she was bored and wanted babies. So, Spencer compromised (after almost having a vasectomy performed without her knowledge) and got her puppies instead!

Now, the latest "Speidi" drama? Heidi decided she still wasn't happy with her body. So she went back under the knife to have a few little procedures done. Ten, to be exact. In one day. ONE DAY.

And now? She looks like this...

Uh... WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF, HEIDI????

She looks NOTHING like herself anymore. She looks... Like a Barbie. A manly Barbie.

In addition to having more work done on her nose, she had a chin reduction, her ears pinned back, and another breast enhancement - she's now a DDD! And apparently she can't move her face at all since her expression is almost exactly the same on the cover as it is in the second photo. Who actually takes a lesson from the Pamela Anderson Playbook??

I am so disturbed by this I don't even know what else to say. She's a shell of her former bubbly self and I really can't stand the sight of her and that creepy husband of hers.

Enough is enough, Heidi. Please, for the love of God, look in the mirror and stop the madness before you end up looking like a certain recently-deceased pop star.

[photo credits: hollywire.com, aishamusic.wordpress.com, morethoughtsfromtheshower.blogspot.com, www.eonline.com, hotmommagossip.com, celebitchy.com, puppyfarts.files.wordpress.com]

Who Dressed to Impress at the VMAs?

MTV brought their biggest stage back to New York City last night and rolled out the VMA red carpet in front of Radio City Music Hall. It looked like one hell of a party and the big names were certainly out in full force. Everyone from Green Day to Madonna, Janet Jackson to JLO, and P!nk to Muse were in the house and there were some spectacular performances.

The only thing I'm going to say about Kanye-Gate-09 is that he's a disrespectful and disgusting human being and both Taylor Swift and Beyonce handled themselves very graciously and with all the class that a certain someone is severely lacking. Congratulations to them both.

Here's my red carpet rundown:

The Hits:

1. Miss Taylor Swift herself. She looked beautiful in this goddess-like gown by Kaufman Franco, the perfect shade of red lipstick, and her signature curls loosely swept up.

She also looked adorable during her performance of "You Belong With Me" in a red vintage 1950's dress and Louboutin pumps. Side note - did anyone else see her run up the staircase from the Subway in high heels, jump up on top of a cab, and keep right on singing live without so much as one lost lyric? Girl is in shape! I would have been puffing and wheezing up a storm!

2. Any other award show and I probably would've thought that Katy Perry had lost her damn mind... But honestly? This spiked and studded mini-dress screams VMAs, and I think she looks fab! Silver, sparkly, short, and boobalicious. It's exactly what I would expect from Katy and she delivered the goods. Her dress is by The Blonds and her shoes are [bedazzled] Louboutins.

I absolutely adored Katy's makeup! The pictures don't even do it justice. The look was created by makeup artist Jake Bailey and you can get the whole beauty report on what he did to make her look like the rock star she is at Splendicity.com.

3. A surprising favorite of mine is the former star of The Hills, Lauren Conrad. She's wearing a simple, yet beautiful, Diane von Furstenberg mini-dress and peep-toe Jimmy Choos. I think that Lauren usually looks pretty good but she's usually pretty safe in her choices. This is definitely not a Katy-Perry-style-crazy-VMA look, but I love it anyway. DVF is one of my favorite designers and I think the dress is elegant and fun and gives her figure a great shape. The finger-waved hair is cute and the makeup is simple but pretty. Thumbs up, LC!

4. I've got to hand it to the Twilight kids. Rob Pattinson is devastatingly handsome in his simple Dries van Noten suit (uhm, when is he not devastatingly handsome?). Jail bait cutie pie, Taylor Lautner, is definitely making fans out of all of us in an exquisitely tailored suit from the Calvin Klein Collection. Even Kristen Stewart, who is a pretty standard fixture on my worst-dressed-ever list, managed to clean up in a gorgeous Valentino dress and some edgy Rock & Republic studded heels. She even brushed her hair! I've never seen her hair look that elegant and shiny... She didn't even touch it the entire time she was on stage! That is quite an accomplishment for her.

Now, if she could just figure out how to look a little bit less awkward in photos that would be awesome...

5. I, for one, am having trouble not drooling on my keyboard over Gossip Girl hottie, Chace Crawford. What can I say? Gorgeous guy, classic black D&G suit - how can you go wrong? Keep it up, Chace. Can't wait to see him in the new Footloose remake!

The Misses:

1. Lady Gaga. In Jean Paul Gaultier and some random designer who makes fancy neck braces. WHAT??? No. I cannot condone this.

2. Jennifer Lopez. In Louis Vuitton and Louboutin. I don't get it. I'm not even sure I want to get it.

3. Adrienne Bailon. Channeling her former Cheetah Girl self in Giuseppe Zanotti. Oh, honey, no... Just no.

4. Whitney Port. In a craptacular Christopher Kane skirt and ill-fitting bustier top. With booties. I have SERIOUS hatred for booties worn with dresses (actually, I kind of just hate them all the time). I just can't handle it. I also can't handle clothes that intentionally look like see-through undergarments.

5. Drunken Douchebag and that thing he calls a girlfriend in a snakeskin bodysuit. So wrong on so many levels that I'm not even going to open my Pandora's Box of insults.

All I can say is: NO.

Really, a lot, NO.

[photo credits: mtv.com, justjared.buzznet.com, people.com, dailymail.co.uk, sawfnews.com, robsessedpattinson.com, splendicity.com]